Best Singapore Jokes

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Funny Local Acronyms

  • DBS: “Don’t Be Singaporean”
  • PAP (People Action Party): Proud Arrogant Politicians, Pro Aliens (Foreigners) Party
  • WP (Workers’ Party): Wayang Party, Wrong Party
  • PAP (People Action Party): Pay and Pay, WP (Workers’ Part): Why Pay?, SDP (Singapore Democratic Party): So Don’t Pay
  • COE (Certificate of Entitlement): C Hor Yee (Die For Them in Hokkien), (pay) Cash On Expressway
  • ITE (Institute of Technical Education): It’s The End
  • NTUC (National Trade Union Congress): No Trust in Union Chief, Never Trust Union Chief, NTU China, National Toilet Urine Centre
  • SENTOSA : So Expensive, Nothing TO See Actually
  • ERP (Eelectronic Road Pricing): Excessive Road Pricing, Everyday Rob People
  • PUB (Public Utility Borad): Pay Until Bankrupt
  • SBS(Singapore Bus Service): Screwed-up Bad Service, Si Bei Slow (Very Slow in Hokkien)
  • SAF (Singapore Armed Forces): Serve and Forget
  • PWD (Public Work Dept): Purposely Want Dig
  • MRT (Mass Rapid Transit): Mad Rush to Train
  • GST (Goods and Service Tax): Government Salary Tax
  • BMW: Big Mouth Woman, Bring More Women, Bus, MRT or Walk?
  • SGH (Spore General Hospital)-Sure Go Heaven, Sure Giveup Hope
  • NUH (National University Hospital): Never Use Heart
  • CPF (Central Provision Fund): Cash Prior to Funeral
  • FT: Err, Foreign Talents or Fake Talent?
  • MCE (Marina Coastal Expressway): Most Congested Expressway, Most Confusing (or Complicated) Expressway

 

“Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has the right to express one. The only exception is Singapore.

I’m talking about the opinion, not the asshole. “

Police Investigation

Police: Where do you live? Me: With my parents

Police: Where do your parents live? Me: With me

Police: Where do all of you live? Me:Together

Miss Singapore

There is this miss universe contest…..and the 3 finalists are miss american, miss australia, and miss singapore.
Now….the judges are asking 3 questions to the finalists..
the 1st question is: “name me an electrical appliance starting with the letter l…”miss american is as confident as ever, and replies straight away:”..lamp…”.
the judges say good….miss australia replies:”……light bulb….” the judges say good….. now miss singapore is not too sure……she finally says:”…..ladio….”
then the judges say:”….sorry, radio doesn’t start with letter l…..”
Now the 2nd question is:”…..name me an animal starting with the letter l”
miss american says confidently:”….lion….”
the judges say good…..and miss australia says:”……leopard…..”
the judges say good….and now miss singapore isn’t too sure again…. she says:”…labbit…”
the judges say:”…sorry, rabbit doesn’t start with the letter l…..and if you get the next question wrong, I’m afraid you are out of the contest….”
Now, the 3rd and last question……:”name me a fruit starting with the letter l…..”miss american says:”….lime….”
the judges say well done…..miss australia says:…..lemon….”
the judges say well done…. Now miss singapore knows the answer for once…..she is very confident that she would make it to the next round……
she says:”………LIEW LIAN (Durian)………..”
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter “L”, the decided to give her another chance. Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter “L” Miss american: Lung (applause) Miss Australia: Liver (even more applause) Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU (dick in Hokkien) Judge: ?????????!!!!

 

Singlish and the SIA Girl 

Interviewer: Name me 3 cars starting with the letter “L”.
Applicant 1: “LANCER”
Interviewer: Good, next
Applicant 1: um…. “LEXUS”
Interviewer: Good, last one
Applicant 1, thinking for a while, says “LOLLS LOYCE”

Interviewer: Name me 3 fruits starting with the letter “A”.
Applicant 2: “APPLE”

 Interviewer: Good, next 

Applicant 2: um…. “APRICOT”
Interviewer: Good, last one
Applicant 2, thinking for a while, says “ANG MOR TAN” 

Interviewer: Name me a watch starting with the letter “L”.
Applicant 3: “LOLEX!”

Singh applying job at Lee&Lee

Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated from Law school and decided to apply for a job in the most prestigous “Lee & Lee Law Firm” company. 

During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at Santa Singh’s resume, thinks for a while and said, “Well, I would need to discuss your application with my wife.” And went off to discuss Santa’s application with his wife.

Lee KY’s wife said, “C’mon, don’t you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning with ‘Lee’ only? Of course, we can’t hire Santa Singh!”

So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.

Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request for another interview and Lee KY said, ‘Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire…….’ when Santa Singh interupted him and said, ‘I know, I know. I have just changed my name.’

Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, “What is your new name then?”

On this, Santa Singh replied ‘Surname Lee, Last name, Manga!’ (Manga-Lee)

 

LKY vs Bill Clinton

One day, our beloved Senior Minister went to America for a meeting with Bill “Sex Maniac” Clinton. After the meeting, SM Lee approached Bill and asked:
SM Lee: Bill, let me ask you a question.
Bill: About sex?
SM Lee: No, lah! How do you put a giraffe into a fridge?
Bill: Don’t know.
SM Lee: You open the door, shove the giraffe in, then you close it. Now let me ask you another question…how do you add an elephant into the fridge if you can only put one animal in it?
Bill: Open the door, shove the elephant in, and close the door.
SM Lee: No! You open the door, take the giraffe out, then shove the elephant in and close it. Now, if you were on a plane and it was going to crash because it was overloaded, what should you throw out? A VCR, A fridge, or 10 bags that were heavier than the other two added together?
Bill: I should throw myself.
Lee Kuan Yew: Got no parachute, lah!
Bill: Then of course the 10 bags lah!
Lee Kuan Yew: Wrong! The fridge. Because the fridge itself is lighter than the 10 bags but there is an elephant in it…goondu! Now, last one… there was this very beautiful princess by the name of Monica. One day, a witch cast a spell on her. Now anyone who was 100 meters away would die. Then this prince by the name of Bill
decided to be a hero and save her. Actually he wanted to have sex with her later. But he died 300 meters away. Why?
Bill: Don’t know.
Lee Kuan Yew: Because you throw the fridge on him, mah!

Two Men And A Lady

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.
Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- They both had the lady TOGETHER.
Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.
Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor.
- The second man swam to another island to search for jobs.
Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.
Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.
Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing the other because she was rejected by both.
Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The two men are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.

Who’s Smarter?

During an ASEAN meeting, all leaders of the ASEAN countries were present, including LKY. During a conversation, Dr. Mahathir of Malaysia says, “I came up with a bright idea to produce Proton cars and with an initial investment of M$1 billion, we now make M$50 million a year. That is what I call Money Mind.”
Mr. Suharto of Indonesia says: “I am going to start a car manufacturing plant to produce our National car for only $500 million RP and it will generate $50 million RP a year. Isn’t that smarter?”
LKY of Singapore was not impressed and say, “I told my Land Transport Minister to spend SGD$500 to buy an old printing machine and also made SGD$50 Billion a year.” Everybody was taken aback and asked “What the hell can you do with just SGD$500?” And LKY replied “I use the machine to print COE!!!” (COE = Certificate of Entitlement, which you must buy to own a car in Singapore.)

Under One PAP

Sung to the tune of the sitcom “Under One Roof…”
Singapore is PAP,
Government wants Money.
Lee Kuan Yew is property,
Lee Hsien Loong is stamp duty,
Mah Bow Tan is COE,
Lim Hng Kiang is HDB
Richard Hu is GST
Tony Tan is ARMY,
Yeo Cheow Tong is JTC,
Tarmugi is ‘apa ini?’,
Lim Boon Heng talks NTUC,
BG Yeo talks health subsidy
Ong Teng Cheong si cho si mi?
Goh Chok Tong is temporary,
PAP is one happy family,
Join them get high salary.
Fight them and you sure mati!

Li Bai’s Poem

The Chinese version:

Chuan chien ming ye kuan

ti sia yi sang xuan

chi toa wang ming ye

ti toa sze ku xian

The full-blown version (in refined English)

The moon light is pouring down on my bedside

like white frost spreading on the ground

I look up the bright round moon in the sky

and lower my head thinking of my dear hometown

And here’s the Singlish version #1

Bedfront Moon Bright Bright

Think is Floor White White

Lift Head see Moon Moon

Bow Head Miss Home Home….

Singlish version #2

Bedfront see moon moon

think is one snow snow

lift head see moon-moon

head down think home-home

Li Bai (II)

Bedfront Orrr Pi Sai (pick nose)

Think Think Go Pang Sai (go shit)

Look up in the sky

Poem’s waste of time

And the Army version

Bedfront Lauu Bark Sai (Tears drop)

Corporal Ka Na Sai (curse the instructor)

Kana guard duty (punished for guard duty)

Tong Khaw Sia Lang Chai (My heartache nobody knows)

– Li Pang Sai

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Singaporeans’ obsession with acronyms

Singapore is very famous for its acronyms….

Dear Employees:

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Management

PS: Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

 

 

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My favourite quote today

"Reconsider the dependents policy - I have come across a number of cases where our targeted one child from China brings in 2 parents who then bring 2 parents each as their dependents - Net is that we gain one young one child who we brought in for our future but also inherited 6 older people - making our ageing population issue worse not better." -Outspoken PAP MP Inderjit Singh

Tommy Koh on Singapore's awakening on Foreign Talents: "First, Singapore discovered that some so-called foreign talent was not really very talented. Second, there was the discovery that, in some cases, when a foreign chief executive officer was hired, he or she discriminated against Singaporeans when hiring staff."